Sta.sh
This Is Just To Say
an Aaaah! Real Monsters Fanfic
by Save Fearow
Author's Note: Ickis knows how he feels, he just can't always find the right words. If you wish, you may consider "Perfect" by Simple Plan as a musical accompaniment, since Ickis is always much harder on himself than his father ever would be. Lyric video at [link]
It was a dark and stormy night, perfect for scaring. But Ickis didn't feel like enjoying himself. He sat hunched over a desk in the dark, with his blankets draped all around himself, like a cloak. Oblina and Krumm could frighten humans tonight, they were actually good at it. He had a perfectly full evening of moping planned, but Oblina had suggested he be more productive, and write a letter home. She was absolutely insistent when it came to "familial obligations" and once she had added another snarky comment on how Ickis could use the writing practice, he had no choice but to comply. What could he tell his Dad anyway, that the Great Slickis would want to hear?
Dear Dad,
The Academy is everything you said it would be! I had a few rough patches at first, but I am rapidly becoming the Gromble's most prized pupil. He says that he always feel safer when I'm around. Some of my scares are so impressive the monsters talk about them for weeks! Especially the girls, they are all squishing on me now. I always see looks of such passionate loathing on Oblina's face.
I put in alot of extra practice scaring after school plus I do several chores out of the goodness of my heart. You would not believe how shiny I can make the Gromble's shoes sparkle! As far as sports go, I get closer to challenging your Gorblat record all the time. Most days at the lanes I think there is no where for me to go but up! I am truly a rising star in the Monster community, well respected and warmly regarded by all who know me.
Love, Ickis
PS I've grown rather attached to the Monster Manual. Someday I shall be quite the scholar.
Ickis crumpled the paper immediately. Even he didn't believe that plethora of lies, there was no way Slickis would find it credible. He'd have to tell him the truth, no matter how much it hurt. And he really was in alot of pain right now. Ickis scratched at a particularly itchy clump of fur. The medicine he'd rubbed on it smelled so putrid that his eyes were watering, which wasn't helping his "not a bonsty" claims AT ALL. He picked up the quill and began to try again.
Dear Dad,
School is so unbelievably hard and no matter what I do I mess up all my scares. Looming hasn't being working so great for me recently, there were these rakes and well... everyone is still laughing about it. The Gromble most of all. Yesterday I went to the country club, humans find it a real skankified place, and tried to pop out on the greenway. That's the kind of scare Mom would do, right? You don't really talk about her but I 'member when you said she was a good jumper. I'm not in her league. This human was riding a big lawnmower, they are the most painful invention humans ever created, forget soap! He ran me down and I still have the treadmarks ALL OVER ME, and my fur is completely gone in haphazard places. The doctor gave me this salve to rub on it but it smells like flowers in springtime and Zimbo keeps asking me if I "feel like a pretty princess".
I don't WANT to be a princess, I'm s'posed to be the hero! Bradley says princesses are lame, they are always in another castle when he plays Mario. Do you know who Mario is?, he is red like us but a hero like you. Except he does not get the girl. I know how that feels. Oblina will NOT ever be a princess, she thinks they are bad role-models, although she totally has the lips for it! I wish she'd...
At this moment, Oblina and Krumm entered the dorm. They were laughing happily, both of them obviously having enjoying their time top-side. They became more subdued when they saw Ickis, however.
"Hey buddy. How's it going?" Krumm greeted him.
"Going horribly. What else is new?" Ickis replied glumly.
"It might be better if you didn't dim the lights so." suggested Oblina. "It's far too dark to accomplish anything in here, no wonder your eyes are so bad!" she scolded as she adjusted the hanging lantern.
"Of course they're bad, they match the rest of me." Ickis moaned. "Just look at me, every monster can tell how I'm half-bald and all-clumsy!"
"Oh no, that is just not true Icky. I-- I can see your fur growing in already! Why it is probly covering 2/3 of your body as we speak!" Oblina lied.
Ickis snorted. "That's a stupid fraction, you can never properly express it as a percentage, the decimals just keep repeating. Six-six-six, endlessly looping, forever..." he whined.
"What if we say you're 2/5 fuzzy, is that better?" offered Krumm.
"That's even less fur!" Ickis wailed. "Oh, I'm pathetic!"
"I would not say that. You at least display some academic aptitude, granted it's often at the most surprising moments, or when you are too busy wallowing in self-pity to recognize it." Oblina pointed out.
"I've gotten used to wallowing. It's more comfortable than you'd think." Ickis told her.
"Speaking of comfort, Krumm and I stopped to have a snack, outside the new bistro. We'll bring you along next time, Ickis, it was absolutely repugnant. But we have saved you a refreshing glass of phlegmonade, you simply must try some!" she urged.
"Better drink it fast. I've had my eye on it all evening." advised Krumm.
Ickis gingerly accepted the glass and took a sip. "Sour. My favorite flavor." he observed.
"That's the spirit! All you needed was a little positive stinking." Oblina informed him.
"Tey telling that to some monster who doesn't smell like a field of daffodils!" groused Ickis.
"We were trying to be polite. But it's why I've been standing down-wind." Krumm acknowledged.
Ickis' right ear drooped, as his left still wasn't capable of much independent movement. "Krumm! Now is not the best time to be bringing that up!" Oblina insisted. She directed her attention back to Ickis. "I know things have been difficult for you lately. If you are really upset, you may even take Shnookie out of the locked closet. Even though he is a bonsty-toy, Krumm and I will not think less of you for playing with him tonight." Oblina stated kindly, referring to Ickis' tattered yellow sponge.
"Shnookie is a GIRL." Ickis corrected. "She's married to a world-famous bucket and their son is a washcloth who they never, EVER make go to school."
"How perfectly wretched to see what value modern-day parents are placing on the educational system in your little fantasy universe." Oblina joked.
"There's nothing little about it." insisted Ickis.
"I'm sure it's -quite- impressive. But I would be even more impressed if you had finished writing your father's letter by now. When you're ready, I have an envelope you can borrow." Oblina told him.
"Hang on, I've almost got it!" Ickis instructed her to wait while he quickly scribbled a note on yet another piece of paper.
Dear Dad,
I'm doing okay. Oblina and Krumm say hi. Roll a Gorblat for me sometime, I never can pick up the spare.
Love, Ickis
Finally satisfied, he handed the paper to her. "You got a stamp too, right?" Ickis asked.
Oblina sighed. "Don't I always?" she replied knowingly.
~~~The End.
Author's Note: Shnookie the Sponge appears in the episode "It's Only A Movie" when Ickis needs comfort and protection against the dreaded Cuddles the bear. He took Shnookie with him to the Academy, but left the bucket and washcloth at his Dad's house so they could all keep each other company. He knows it's hard on Shnookie to be so far away from them, but it helps her look forward to the family reunions all the more.
You know that reminds me-The Gromble said that Ickis was a loomer, just like his father and HIS father before him, BUT we never got to see Slickis looming at all! It seemed to me that either Slickis was an accomplished shape-shifter, like Oblina, OR he could so skillfully change his color and pattern in an instant as to totally blend in with any background, a'la a certain purple scaly monster, based on his own memory of the scare he pulled off for his graduation, where he seemed to turn into that clown at the miniature golf course. He either changed his total form to his color to look like that clown, but honestly, other than that "pesky element of surprise"(which seemed to work far better on The GROMBLE than on humans, lol), none of his scares we saw seemed all that scary. With Ickis, though, he could genuinely give the impression of a huge predator about to eat you, triggering that deep-seated instinct of big animals with very sharp teeth coming at you. He was pretty good at those psychological scares, too, where you didn't even have to SEE him, just relying on a deep growl emanating from the darkness punctuated by those red-reflecting eyes, again relying on our ancient instinctive fear of the unknown and of predatory animals that might want to eat us.
pitbulllady
Bonus points for cuteness if Shnookie turns out to have been Slickis' pet name for Squelia.
No doubt looming requires a huge amount of calories and energy; Ickis is always worn out after looming and he can only do that for a few minutes at the most. No wonder Ickis has such a taste for bugs and small critters; he needs all that protein to pull off just one loom.
pitbulllady
Ickis' attitude regarding food is actually LESS healthy as he's been known when depressed (or pre-occupied with a big project) to announce that he can't or won't eat at a time like this and follow through with the threat. And loomers need a steady supply of snacks by necessity. (The Gromble is fully aware of this and resents him so much. It can't be easy to see one of your most troublesome students constantly noshing on creepy-crawlies when you've been dieting off-and-on for the past century!)
I've always considered monster scare specializations to be a mixture of bloodline/innate ability and aptitude/learning a skill through extensive study. Thus Slickis was born a loomer but could teach himself shape-shifting, vocalizations, and how to camoflauge fur. Ickis would probly never achieve proficiency in camoflauge, all changes to his fur coloration are purely involuntary (happen when sick). Grishnak player that he is, he hates having such an obvious tell. On the one claw, it is so hard to find the right shade of icy-blue paint and if he misses a spot, hoo boy! The Gromble will give him such a Snorching, complain about a lack of discipline to his father, and make him take a mid-term anyway. On the other claw, "responsible monsters" like Dad and Oblina always force him to stay in bed on days when he'd rather go outside and play ball or have other great adventures. So not fair.
I still find Ickis the most fun monster to write for, because he's reckless and unlucky but also neurotic and sweetly contemplative, although I did try recently to give Krumm his own moment of glory. He was more popular in-universe, but I don't think he's got so many fangirls online. Krumm, Krumm, Krumm, Krumm, Krumm (that's the part we ALL sing).